I’m losing count of everything

Trigger warning: Abuse

My mother left me
When I was as tall
As my contorted grand ma’s knee.
No one knew why
And no one cared to find out.
I later found sadness,
Stacked one upon another
In her closet.
Maybe she left those stacks
Not me
either way
They say she left for good
Maybe you did too.

Grief is sitting beside my chair
Like an unwanted intruder
I can’t stop it from entering
Like I couldn’t stop you from leaving.

I don’t known sunshine now
Like everyone else does
Because sun never crosses the border
Of my room now
And I never go out to find out.

My arms don’t feel cold
Even though you’re not here to warm them
Maybe they’ve started to accept your absence
But heart has not.

Every room in my house has two windows
Mine had too
But they overlooked darkness
Never streets
So a few days back
i cemented them
What use were they anyway
You weren’t going to come through them anymore.

There are words in my throat
Words that need to come out
But they won’t
And I’m choking on them
Where did you hide my razor
I need it to cut open my throat
And pull those fucking words out.

There are clothes in my closet
Clothes that need washing
And there is this body
That isn’t able to cope
I can’t seem to figure a difference
Between the two.
What is it that they say about things having different names?
Maybe pain has many names too
One of them, I think, is love

The flowers in our favourite vase
They haven’t withered yet
My eyes provide them with enough water
Though I fear they know about you.

There had come a lady last night
She kept ringing the doorbell
Ding-dong ding-dong
I screamed and shut the door at her face
Later I forgot to turn off the tap
And almost drowned myself in the bath tub
I could almost hear her sighing with pity.
What have you done to me?

I’m losing count now
And your memories are morphing into
Barbed wires around my body
But I’m still surviving all these
how’s it that you couldn’t survive me?

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